my *&%#@!$ AC is broken!

melting

I have had no air-conditioning for 9 days, and I still have 3 days until an entire new AC is installed!

It’s July and I live in Florida, our average temperatures right now hover around 90 degrees with 100% humidity, so having no AC feels like being in HELL!

The first few days I was rather zen about the whole situation, but as time has crept by, my emotional state has become very fragile…I am crying about anything and everything that goes, even slightly, askew from what I was expecting.  I feel like the heat is frying my brain, and the constant state of being sweaty has zapped my energy!

Usually my favorite place in the world is home, but not right now!  I dread going home during the day, the things that I want to do have been put to the side – I only do what I absolutely have to do.  At night, I pack the bare essentials and sleep across the street at my niece’s house – as much as I miss my bed and my husband, if I wasn’t getting decent sleep I would have had a complete mental breakdown by now!  Btw…my husband is a damn trooper during this heat, he fortunately can sleep through anything!

I will not return to my usual source of comfort when stressed out; ice cream. cookies, brownies, candy, etc. I do not drink right now, because I don’t want the empty calories or the hangovers that last 3 days.  I cannot indulge in retail therapy, because my bank account won’t allow it.  So, I am left to accept life on life’s terms, and I am finding it to be very overwhelming!

I am looking forward to Tuesday…I am going to stay in my jammies, hang out with my hubby, keep all the blinds drawn, and set the new AC to 70 degrees!

I will resume my normal life on Wednesday, and hopefully be back to my happy chipper self 🙂

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young people and recovery

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I have volunteered to be the Young Persons Committee Chair for my Overeaters Anonymous Intergroup. I am excited to have the opportunity to reach out to people 30 and under, and hopefully help them find recovery, something I wish would have happened to me.

If there were a “do-over” in life mine would be to find OA at 23, instead of 43. I wouldn’t want to undo my life experiences or unmeet the people I love and adore, but it would be interesting to see how different those 20 years would have been without compulsive overeating and food addiction…would my life be better or worse, or would it be like every life, a little of both?

I don’t really enjoy playing the “If only I had…” game – it is completely pointless!

If my service can be the catalyst for someone finding recovery than I will be grateful, and if that someone is a young person than I will be ecstatic…I would love to see a young person have a long lifetime of joy, strength and recovery!

Childhood obesity has staggering facts, so instead of offering another diet to these children and their families (which are more than likely overweight or obese as well) let’s offer them recovery and support. Making healthy food choices, eating sensible portions, and following a meal plan is less daunting when you have a support system and a working relationship with the higher power of your understanding.

Again I find doing service truly strengthens my own recovery…409 days of abstinence and counting!

It’s not what you’re eating…it’s what’s eating you!

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Almost everyone I know and love, either by blood or fate, has an issue with food.

Some of them eat too much.
Some of them eat too little.
Some of them restrict their meals during the day and binge at night.
Some of them binge one day and restrict the next.
Some of them have been counting every calorie for decades.
Some of them try every quick-fix diet, pill, and program.
Some of them try to exercise away every excess bite they consume.
Some of them proclaim “I’m fat and I don’t care!”

I am just like them, with two exceptions; I have accepted I am powerless over food and I will always be a compulsive overeater, and I have the willingness to NOT take the easy or quick way to a better life.

“I am powerless over food!” – is quite possibly the hardest and most liberating thing I have ever accepted about my life. My control, my decisions and my reasoning for everything I put in my mouth has always been total bullshit, and I fucked it up so much that I managed to pack on enough pounds to double my size. Although it still shocks me to say this, I now turn everything over to my higher power, and do the work of recovery.

“I am willing to do whatever it takes for however long it takes!” – I don’t struggle with the willingness, nearly as much as I struggle with the timeframe. I am impatient, as most addicts are, I want to be happy now, I want to feel good now and I want to be “normal” now, but I know the key is to find the happiness and gratitude in every day and the goal to be “normal” is never going to happen to me in this lifetime. I will always have to have a plan of eating and my addiction will always be there, in the dark, ready to pounce, just waiting for me to believe it is the solution to feelings I don’t want to feel.

I never thought I had extreme feelings or emotions, I was usually the calmest person in the room and always great in a crisis, but if by chance you did see me overreact or freak out, you knew the “shit had hit the fan” and you’d better get out of my way!”

Of course I had feelings and emotions, I had them all, but I ate them away! Stress, boredom, love, lust, hate, anger, envy, frustration, impatience, sadness and happiness were all stuffed into my mouth…the size of my ass proves it!

For me, I know the way isn’t with another diet plan, magic pill, or a major surgery. For me, it is the journey to recognize my feelings and emotions when they happen, and not turn to food for comfort, love or entertainment. If it takes me until I am 50 years old to reach my healthy body weight, than so be it, because when I get there I will know I did the work by trusting the path my higher power wants me to follow…Overeaters Anonymous is that path!

“I LOVE FOOD!” – I have said it a million times, I have heard it from others a million times, but the truth is this…FOOD IS AN OBJECT AND IT WILL NEVER LOVE YOU BACK!

Update!

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7.1 – 7.7.15

First week of my newly tweaked plan and I’ve given away 3 more pounds!

Daily plan:

3 meals – no snacks

Weigh & measure all foods

1800 calories max (no less than 1500)

80oz or more of water

Follow Paleo guidelines (NEW!)

Log all food in MyFitnessPal

Exercised 4 of the 7 days (NEW!)

Report food to sponsor (accountability)

Work my OA program

And none of this is possible without…Letting go and letting God 🙂

I got a divorce…from sugar!

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Our love story…

Childhood sweethearts

We met when I was very young, introduced by my parents. Our time spent together was usually during celebrations, family gatherings, as a treat for anything from losing a tooth to not feeling well, or as a reward for doing chores or getting good grades. Our young love was encouraged, but also managed, since neither of us possessed the resources to be together every day.

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Wedding

After years of being chaperoned, except for the occasional trysts during moments of unsupervised freedom, we were finally able to make the big commitment. There was plenty of alone time and plenty of money to make the honeymoon last and last…Hell yeah!

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Marriage

As we settled in to our lifetime commitment, we had many happy years and few disagreements. As time passed, we were there for each other for every triumph, defeat, and moment of boredom. We stayed true to our passions and even tried some new things; our love was dark, sweet, smooth and satisfying.

As the years passed, our attachment was undeniable to anyone who knew us, but it was slowly turning toxic. We were consumed by obsessive thoughts that we should never be apart from one another, spending time together as we shut out the rest of the world and sneaking around to inappropriately be with each other at work, in bathroom stalls, and parked in public lots.

Before our love would finally destruct, there would be years of frustration, emotional and physical pain, delusional thinking, and short separations that always ended thinking things would be different; we could control ourselves and be responsible this time!

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Divorce

I had been totally committed and desperately in-love for more than 40 years, but I was also broken and scarred from everything we had been through together; emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It was time to break the bond; I would need a support group of people who all loved in a very similar way, willingness to move away from the obsession, and a connection to a higher power of love and understanding…it worked and I was set free!

Some days are easy and some are very difficult, so I have taken it one day at a time, and now I have 13 months of being happily alone!

We still see each other quite often, in passing, I just nod and move along…it is a tiny world and it sometimes feels like everyone I see is able to enjoy the type of love that almost killed me.

I still think about the love and comfort, but then I remember the obsessive and compulsive life and the battle scars that I will wear forever.

I know if I ever want my love back, all I have to do is be like Eve and take the forbidden bite, but for today, I am not starving!

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cave woman in control

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In February 2013 a friend introduced me to the Paleo diet, she had success in not only dropping weight, but also in feeling much better. March 1, 2013 I committed myself to following the Paleo diet and I loved everything about it; real whole foods, delicious home cooking, high cacao percentage dark chocolate, and there were no set limits about how much to eat. For the next few months I was totally dedicated, I even learned how to make yummy Paleo ice cream! But, as with every other diet in my life, I would start to have more and more cheat days, and although I could have dark chocolate and Paleo ice cream, there was absolutely no portion control…within six months I was no longer eating like a cave woman, even though I still fully believed in eating a Paleo diet.

In June 2014 – I gave up sugar, and in October 2014 – I committed to 3 meals per day with no snacks…these two things were difficult, but also highly rewarding.

As of today, July 1, my meal plan is based on the Paleo diet sans the dark chocolate and the Paleo ice cream, as well as weighing and measuring everything I eat, eating three meals per day with no snacks, consuming no more than 1800 calories per day, drinking plenty of water, exercising (cardio and strength training) at least 4 days per week, actively working my OA program, and turning over my obsessive and impatient control issues to God.

My sponsor and I have agreed to re-evaluate this new meal plan in 3 months to make sure I am happy, satisfied, and appropriately nourished.

Today was the first day, and I rocked being a cave woman!  Only 89 days left until evaluation!

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