my dog ate my gym card

It’s time to lose my excuse for not getting to the gym…I’m excited (insert a bit of sarcasm)!

About 18 months ago my husband’s car finally died, after trying to kill him several times while he was driving!
I had started working from home, so he used my car to get back and forth to work. If I had errands to do during the week I would try to plan them all for the same day and borrow a relative’s car, fortunately a few of them live very close.
It all worked out, except it kept me from consistently working out! On the days I did borrow a car, I wasn’t usually up for stopping at the gym to get sweaty, and I hated to ask to borrow a car every day just to go to the gym. Excuse!

Now, here’s where you may be asking “why not take a walk?”

In 2005, I trained for 10 months to walk 60 miles in 3 days to raise money for breast cancer awareness. The first day of the walk was 22 miles, I completed 18 miles due to the scorching heat. When I woke up on the second morning, I stood up and promptly fell over – it felt like someone stabbed the bottom of my left foot! I stretched and iced my foot, and somehow managed to hobble along the next 2 days, I completed 40 of the 60 miles. I was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis and bone spurs, with rest and time the inflammation subsided, along with my motivation.

8 years later, I started working out with a personal trainer who encouraged cardio, so I started walking on the dreadmill on my own and he would push me to run up loading dock ramps – if there is anything I hate more than walking on a treadmill it is any type of running, my entire personality is not wired to be a runner…I prefer to stop and smell the daisies, why is everyone in such a fucking hurry?!
A few months went by, walking and running, and I woke up one morning and promptly fell over, instantly I knew it…plantar fasciitis had returned! I tried to push through it, but it got worse and worse, effecting both feet! A year of misery followed, along with 3 cortisone shots and 6 weeks of physical therapy. I’m happy to say I only have issues now if I’ve walked around a lot, and I’ve learned how to treat it and prevent it from lasting any longer than a few days.

I wouldn’t wish plantar fasciitis on anyone!
I hate feeling like I’m a feeble 90-year-old when I walk!
Walking as a form of exercise is out, I won’t risk it!

Today we got a second car and my excuse has vanished!

You will find me at Planet Fitness, on the bike, getting my required cardio (yuck) and/or lifting weights (love)…now, if I can manage not to come up with another excuse ūüėõ

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love yourself first!

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Everyone gets shit about something!

Are you too beautiful, completely hideous, or a plain Jane?
Are you too dark, too fair, or are you covered in freckles?
Are you rigidly conservative, freakishly liberal, or maybe you are clueless?
Are you poverty poor, snobbishly rich, or a complete cheapskate?
Are you painfully shy, annoyingly extroverted, or perhaps you are just average?
Are you happily homosexual, miserably married, or single and loving it?
Are you bone thin, enormously fat, or is all your junk in your trunk?

Everyone has something they battle, something they consider a flaw, something that would change instantly if a magic genie granted wishes!

I could point out every defect I see on my body, most of them self-inflicted by every cookie I inhaled and bowl of ice cream I devoured. I could show you how age and gravity have started to march across my face, pull down my boobs, and turn my hair white. I could complain, bitch, whine and throw a fit about how unfair this or that is, but I won’t for one very good reason…gratitude!

I am grateful I have never suffered from a lack of self-esteem, I have always been naturally happy, and I am completely content with being me.

I am making every effort to reach a healthy body weight, but I am not doing it to find happiness or acceptance, I am doing it so I can truly enjoy my sensational senior citizen years…I am hoping to be 107 years old, as long as my mind and sense of humor are intact!

When you are overweight, chubby, fat, obese or whatever word you prefer to use, people often assume you are miserable, depressed, stupid, slovenly, unloved, unmotivated, unwanted, and ashamed of yourself. This may be true for some people and my heart goes out to those people, but it is not true for every person battling weight issues, and is definitely not true for me!

Of all things I could have been given to deal with in this lifetime, weight has been far easier to handle than things like abuse, mental illness, neglect, homelessness, disease, illness, no self-worth, no family…I could go on and on!

If I could breathe my happiness in to you, so you could feel what I feel, I gratefully would!

If you are battling your weight issues, please remember you are not defined by what everyone sees on the outside…lose the weight for your health, lose the weight to renew your energy, lose the weight for YOU!

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!

getting unstuck

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Previously on¬†“I cried over a tomato”¬†I mentioned how my weight-loss was stuck, and the things I am doing to get unstuck…let me elaborate ūüôā

When I got serious about losing weight and becoming abstinent from my compulsive food behaviors, the very first thing I did was give up sugar, which greatly limited my usual food choices, and I started quickly dropping weight. It wasn’t even remotely easy, but it worked and I started to feel much better!

Over the past year, I have continued to refrain from sugar, as well as the other nine things listed below (scroll down), but for the past few months my weight hasn’t budged and I still have work to do to reach my healthy body weight.

I think I have figured it out!

Reason One:

I got lazy and sloppy with weighing and measuring! ¬†I had weighed and measured the same foods so many times I thought I was good at guesstimating and “eyeballing” the appropriate portion sizes, I especially failed with the added fats; olive oil, coconut oil and butter I was using in my cooking.

My calories had to be higher than what I was counting!

I am a compulsive overeater…why did I think I was the master guesstimater? My eyes always want more than I need!

Reason Two:

Although I have never been a bread, pasta, potato, or rice binge-eater, especially if sugar wasn’t part of the mix, I was still eating these things. I also love my carbs loaded with fat, whether it is fried, buttered, slathered in mayo, or covered in cheese it is all welcomed in to my mouth! Even if I only ate one carb per day, by the time I was done adding the extra goodness, I was also adding the extra calories…my guesstimating skills were still failing me in this area too!

Reason Three:

My exercise over the past six months was nowhere near as intense as it had been the first six months. ¬†I had paid for a personal trainer, but my budget no longer allowed for this luxury. ¬†You have to pay dearly to be bossed around and it is worth every dime for someone like me who would much rather lounge on the sofa than break a sweat. ¬†If I am being pushed I work very hard, but I haven’t been pushing myself.

Now, that I have solved the mystery of being stuck, I am back to faithfully following the 10 things I know work for me, and I am really limiting those unnecessary carbs, at least until I learn to love a plain baked potato :/

I am looking forward to giving away more pounds, and I don’t want them back!

At this point in my weight-loss, these are things that work for me:

1. OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS Рbeing abstinent (refraining from compulsive eating behaviors), attending meetings, and working the 12 steps of recovery with my sponsor.  Working my OA program is the most valuable and life-changing thing I have ever done for myself, without it I would not have given away 80 pounds.  I also would not have the hope, strength, and courage to continue my weight-loss goal of achieving my healthy body weight.

2. PRAYER – I pray morning and night to the higher power of my understanding, but I do not pray for weight-loss, I pray to be protected and guided down the path that has been chosen for me.

3. GRATITUDE – I try to stay in positive mood, and remember all the things I am grateful for on a daily basis. ¬†This helps greatly when my impatience with life and people attempts to control me. ¬†I use a gratitude app ūüôā

4. ¬†MEAL PLAN (3 meals a day with no snacks) – ¬†I decided to do this meal plan after¬†attending my first Overeaters Anonymous retreat. We were given three meals at specific times each day of the retreat, any snacks we normally ate we had to provide ourselves, I didn’t bring any snacks (poor planning on my part). ¬†What I discovered was I felt less “crazy” without the snacks, three meals spread evenly apart made me feel sane…I just had to make it to the next meal and not worry about what I was going to eat in-between.

I had never been overly indulgent at meal time, I was never the “give me three Big Mac’s, two fries, and a side of McNuggets” kind of compulsive overeater, but late night snacking could easily lead to an entire bag of M&Ms, a box of cookies, a pint of ice cream or all three combined…removing the snacks was a miracle for me!

No one has ever starved between breakfast and lunch, lunch and dinner, or even from dinner until the next day’s breakfast..this is a logic that works for me!

5. ¬†NO SUGAR ¬†– This was mandatory for me! ¬†I¬†am a compulsive overeater with a wicked strong sweet tooth (actually all of my teeth are sweet). I loved anything sweet and fattening, I was never a Skittles girl – I preferred my sugar all mixed up with fatty goodness, if it didn’t have chocolate what was the fucking point to eating it? That being said, really everything I chose to eat was sweet, even my savory food choices always had a sweet element to them…I loved to add sugar to everything! I am without a doubt a sugar-holic!

6.  WEIGH AND MEASURE РEverything I eat must be properly portioned, and the only way to do that is to weigh and measure everything possible.

7.  MY FITNESS PAL РThis handy app has allowed me to religiously log every meal for over a year, and the end of each day, I take a screenshot of the day and send it to my sponsor, this holds me accountable.

8.  WATER РFortunately for me, I have always loved water more than any other beverage.  I drink at least 80oz. each day, often I reach an entire gallon!  I do not drink coffee, I occasionally have a diet soda, and I rarely drink liquor.

9. EXERCISE – I love weight training and loathe cardio, I am more motivated when being pushed by a bossy trainer…this one is probably too far down the list, but I am a work in progress!

10. ¬†SLEEP – At least 7 hours, but no more than 9 hours…there is a fine line between good rest and feeling like a zombie all day.

I cried over a tomato

imageMy weight-loss has come to a stand-still, I am not gaining, but I am also not giving any away. ¬†I eat three meals a day, no snacks, no sugar, I log everything in to My Fitness Pal, and at the end of the day I send screenshots of my MFP diary to my sponsor to keep myself accountable…I have been doing this for a year, I have lost 80 pounds, but in the past few months I have been stuck.

One reason I stopped progressing was my workouts went from being very intense to very wimpy.  I had a personal trainer for 18 months, a luxury indeed, but it started to put a strain on my budget.  Left to my own devices, I am not overly motivated to push myself to the same level of intensity I was paying someone to do for me.  Now, it is just me at Planet Fitness trying to get some calories burned and muscles toned.

The other reason is my food! ¬†Restaurant¬†eating is challenging for me, I do my best, but I could do better. ¬†I cannot “eye-ball” my portion sizes, no matter how many times I’ve weighed and measured, I cannot trust myself to guesstimate. ¬†And lastly, if I am not planning and preparing my meals ahead of time, I end up eating higher caloric choices.

So, when I went grocery shopping this week I made sure I had everything I needed to tighten my food plan up and set myself up for success, rather than disappointment.  I bought four beautiful tomatoes for four lunch salads this week, it is a shame you cannot stock up on produce without it going bad before you can eat it, and someone went and ate one!  What the fuck?!

That someone was my grandma! ¬†I have been taking care of my 92-year-old grandma for sometime now, preparing her meals is one of those things I do for her. ¬†I made her and my husband a lovely homemade meal of pork chops, mashed potatoes and mixed vegetables (I had grilled chicken and saut√©ed squash)…why did she eat my tomato, damn it?!

I started to cry, irrational I know, but that was my reaction…my husband was quick to console me, even saying he understood, I am sure he thought I was nuts, but I appreciate the love!

I am a compulsive overeater who is gratefully abstinent, but my food is still my food! ¬†Shedding a few tears over a tomato, is nothing compared to the bat-shit crazy I would have felt if someone had dared to eat my Ben&Jerry’s back in the day!

we the agnostic

Overeaters Anonymous is based on Alcoholics Anonymous, with only a few changes in verbiage. ¬†Alcoholic is changed to compulsive overeater, alcohol is changed to food, and sober is changed to abstinent (you can not refrain from eating, but you can be abstinent from compulsive behaviors). ¬†We read from the “Big Book” of AA, other than the above changes, addiction is addiction, and this book is the “bible” of working the 12-Steps of recovery.

Before entering OA, I would describe myself as a non-practicing believer in God, a spiritual force of destiny, fate and karma, not the judgmental God of my family’s Baptist roots. ¬†I rarely prayed and when I did I was always praying for something specific. ¬†Religion and religious people often irritated me, I found most of them to be hypocritical, holier-than-thou, and closed-minded.

Every OA meeting mentions God, even though God is never defined, and each member has their own individual relationship with the Higher Power of their understanding. ¬†When I started going to meetings I was a bit flummoxed about how I was going to trust God when I wasn’t even sure I believed in anything more than a hope that God maybe existed.

An OA member who was well-versed in the “Big Book” of AA suggested I read the chapter “We the Agnostic.” ¬†I did and it changed my life, not because it gave me any answers, but because it gave me the simple suggestion to “act as if”. ¬†My life without God and prayer was not working at its fullest potential, I was trapped in my food and I was getting sicker and sicker with each cookie I inhaled, so why not “act as if”…it never hurts to try right?!

I made a point to pray before I got out of bed in the morning and again just before I fell asleep at night, for a while I actually had to set a reminder on my daily to-do list! ¬†I did not pray for specific things – just for the serenity, patience, understanding and willingness to let God protect and guide me down the path chosen for me…I can’t, God can!

Somewhere along the way it became a part of my life. I started to feel calmer and more patient with myself and others. ¬†Gossiping, judgment about other people choices, and snarky sarcasm started to lessen in my life…none of these things are gone, I’m not perfect nor do I ever think I will be, but I’m much more aware of my thinking and actions. I am trying to remember that everyone is marching to their own drummers and their lives are full of battles and triumphs I will never experience or understand in the same way they do.

Sometimes I would like to have the guidance and community a church, synagogue or temple could offer, but so far God has not led me in any particular direction.  Before I joined OA and started to have conscience contact with God, I had only been to two places I felt could nurture my spiritual life; one was a Buddhist temple and the other was a Unitarian church.  Maybe God will lead me back to one of these places, or maybe it will be somewhere else, whatever direction I go I know I will be on the path God has chosen for me.
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for the last time!

I have never been a person who wanted to re-live or re-create my past, I don’t glorify or blame the past for my present, but part of the recovery process is to review the past and hopefully make amends with things that may still be eating at you (pun intended).

When I first came in to the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous I saw my eating habits, compulsive behavior and food addiction being reflected back to me from other members immediately, but what I didn’t see reflected back to me was a story similar to my own. ¬†I heard a lot of painful stories of childhood neglect and abuse, and I could hear and see the depression and self-hatred¬†members were still battling every day. ¬†What I did not hear were stories of happy childhoods and people who had always possessed a healthy dose of self-esteem…why was I compulsive eater if I didn’t have a tragic past or was void of self-worth?

So, I’ll tell you about my past for two reasons, first¬†it allows me to write it down (out of the head and on to the page) and secondly it could possibly be of some service to others trying to recover from food addiction and compulsive overeating…perhaps someone like me.

This post is a bit lengthy, but there are pics and what else do you have to do ūüėČ

– In the beginning

My parents had been happily married for nine years when I was born, I have two older sisters who were born 11 1/2 months apart – I arrived 6 1/2 years later, we were a middle-class family, and our large extended family was very southern, but not redneck!

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– A happy little girl

My mother had to go to work when I was just over a year old and I went into daycare. ¬†I was chronically sick until I left daycare, which was just before I started kindergarten. ¬†My parents divorced when I was four years old, my father had been frequently absent (off “finding himself”) for a couple of years before my mother finally filed for divorce. ¬†But, all in all, everyone describes me as a happy and funny little girl.

What I realize now is that learning to reward myself with food started during those sick years, because food was used to soothe and cheer up a sick little girl…that little girl would forever think food was love, joy, and the perfect part of every day.

I have no memories of my parents being married or being negatively effected by the divorce, my sisters and I all belong to the “Thank God our parents got divorced” club, it’s not an exclusive club, wanna join?

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– Here’s looking at you kid

After the divorce, we were the “Fantastic Four”! ¬†We had an all female household, even our pets, and I truly have only happy memories. ¬†I am the baby of the family and I have always been very close to my mother, my oldest sister was very much like a second mother, and my middle sister provided me with my sibling battle stories. ¬†My mother handled being a working mother pretty perfectly; we were loved, protected, and her first priority. ¬†My mother is the biggest influence on my life; she taught me to be strong, independent, loving, respectful, and she laughs at all of my jokes and most of my sarcastic jabs!

We saw my dad during the Christmas, spring and summer breaks from school, and most our time together was spent doing fun things, I do not remember any significant parental moments.

The January before my 11th birthday my oldest sister got married and left home (my father had caused drama in hopes she would not get married…he did not attend the wedding, and cut all ties to his daughters, I wouldn’t see him again until I was 19), on my 11th birthday my grandfather passed away (he had been the only constant and steady male role model in my life), and a couple of months later I had my first interactive experience with a boy (an experience that was positive, negative, and ultimately confusing).

My 11th year was full of big emotional moments, I would only realize the effect of this year after working my program, and the biggest epiphany came to me almost immediately. My sister had stored the top-tier of her wedding cake in our freezer (to be eaten on their first anniversary). ¬†At some point, I started coming home everyday from school and running my fingers around the frozen cake to eat the icing, eventually the cake was covered in strange streaks of threadbare icing. ¬†When the epiphany came to me I knew it was the first time I had been compulsive with food, the shame and guilt would stay with me for a very long time. ¬†I called my sister and explained what I had done with the cake immediately, her response was “the cake did look weird, but it was also freezer-burned, we took one bite and threw it away…I never thought about the cake again.”

My 11th year was full of substantial emotions, but I didn’t feel any of them, I went numb and found my bliss in the icing of someone else’s frozen wedding cake. ¬†Numb emotions, compulsive overeating, and obsessing over sweets were now in full effect!

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– School daze

I was a typical teenager; I was an OK student (I rarely did homework, but always aced the tests, so I usually ended up with B/C grades), I was not the prom queen but popular enough, I liked boys but I wasn’t boy crazy, I was social and talkative, I loved Madonna and the 10,000 Maniacs, and even though I packed on weight each year, my self-esteem was always good and I was never bullied.

My mother and I moved to a new town when I finished my freshman year, and I started a brand new high school with no friends.  I had only my school work to keep me busy, and quickly realized how much I missed being social (it was always my favorite aspect of school).  I managed to ditch class A LOT and still somehow maintain my grades, but eventually it became a huge issue, I was going to fail my sophomore year due to my absenteeism.  I was offered an accelerated program, one that would cram all high school requirements into six months, I accepted the offer and graduated at the top of my class!  I was almost 17 and I had to figure out what was next, college was strongly suggested by all my teachers, but I wanted life to start now and I had to find what was going to make me happy, after working for a few months, I signed up for cosmetology school.  At 18, in the same month all of my friends were graduating from high school, I was a licensed cosmetologist with a full-time job at my first salon.

During these years, my friends were still in my hometown and I saw them once a month, but I made no new friends, just acquaintances. ¬†I spent time with my mother, my oldest sister or alone, and I was happy. ¬†It doesn’t matter if I was or was not happy, because either way I would have never known it, numb people don’t feel any intense emotions, especially when their thoughts are consumed by their next addictive fix, for me that was food, the sweeter – the better!

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– Let’s work and play

For the next 15+ years my life was about my career, my friends, my family – especially being an Auntie, partying, traveling, and doing whatever I wanted. ¬†I found a company to work for that allowed me to do the two things I love, be creative and lead a team to success, I had several close friends and a slew of acquaintances, I partied and enjoyed life but never in excess, since drinking and drugs were never my thing, I traveled and enjoyed the money I was making, and last but not least, I LOVED being an Auntie, I enjoyed every moment and although I never heard my biological clock ticking, the time I spent with them filled my “motherly” side up!

I had a fabulous gay roommate for about 7 years and we were as thick as thieves, in a lot¬†of ways he was my significant other during that time, he was very sweet to me, but overtime he would also become very exhausting, I matured and moved forward, he did not…eventually we would become just acquaintances, we never had a “falling out”, we just drifted apart. ¬† This friendship probably kept me from wanting a substantial romantic relationship, I was having my cake and eating it too (literally!), I could be independent and still have someone to rely on…we were Will & Grace!

My career thrived and I couldn’t have asked for more, every goal I set for myself and my salon was achieved, and it was easily my first priority, other than my family. ¬†Being a stylist fed my social and creative side, and being a manager allowed me to make the analytical and rational side very happy…my left and right brain thinking are definitely equal!

I worked nights and weekends for a long time, and my cravings and bad habits only got worse. ¬†I would finish my long days of work plopped on a sofa watching TV and enjoying my quick and fattening food, because who has time to prep and prepare when you are so busy working and being fabulous, and hey you’ve accomplished your day – you deserve to reward yourself…my weight continued to creep up and up and UP!

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– There is something missing

Everything in my life was going well and I had no idea I was missing anything, other than a size 10 wardrobe! ¬†I had received a huge promotion and for the first time in almost 20 years, I was working a normal work schedule. ¬†One day, thanks to my new schedule, a man came into my life and I realized this was something I wanted, I had been missing the cherry on top of my sundae! ¬†The relationship didn’t last long, but it did make me realize I wanted something more in my life.

I started online dating (it last less than 2 months) and I was bombarded with responses, of course after I weeded out the weirdos and creepers, I was left with a much smaller group to pick and choose from and of all of those choices, only two made it past the casual dating stage and in to relationships.

I flirted and dated, and had a total blasty blast! ¬†I learned so much about myself, what I would and would not accept, and although my independence and personality could bring “all the boys to the yard” – when it came to long-term commitments, not so much.

During this time my weight dropped a bit, I was so busy working and socializing, I didn’t have as much time to numb-out and spend quality time with Ben & Jerry, thankfully they were not available to date me! ¬†HA!!!

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– True love and OA

I was busy living and loving, when I abruptly left my job of 11 years, although it was done in the heat of the moment and when I was overcome by disappointment – I have never regretted leaving. ¬†I started with a new company, one with a lot of flexibility and very little accountability, and continued on merry way, it was the perfect job for someone with a busy social life. ¬†I was keeping myself busy by juggling two relationships…my theory is and has always been, until a serious commitment is made in a romantic relationship “all is fair in love” – why limit your options, if no one has made the declaration of love and commitment.

Then BAM! ¬†A man entered my life in the most unexpected way, and my life was forever changed. ¬†We started talking one day and we’ve never stopped. ¬†It has been the best relationship of my life and the most difficult, because when I really fell in love and was being truly loved in return, compromise and patience had to play a major role. ¬†For the first time in my life when the going got tough, I didn’t want to say “fuck it all!” and split, I actually loved someone enough to stick around and do the work!

We have been together since 2008, and now we are happily married, well most days ūüôā

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I did start to put on weight again, I guess you can call it the “happy weight” couples tend to gain together (I think I gained the weight for both of us), but I had gotten older and for the first time in my life the excess weight was physically starting to effect me; frequent back pain, sluggish energy, and blood pressure creeping just over the norm.

My compulsive eating was at an all-time high and I was feeling very defeated, because I had always promised myself that I would never reach 40 STILL battling my weight, I was now 43 and at my heaviest weight.

Then I walked into my first OA room, took a white chip of surrender that very first day, and life started to change!

If you read this entire post, thank you for sticking with me, now let’s get back to the present!

P.S

If you were looking for more dish about my parents and the effect they may have had on my food addiction and compulsive eating, I am sorry to disappoint you, although the decisions and choices they made would effect me emotionally, remember I went numb a long time ago and no one forced those cookies in to my mouth.  We cannot blame our parents for everything, our parents are fallible human beings and they are bound to fuck us up, but as far as my parents were concerned, it was never intentional or malicious, it just was.

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slow my roll G!

OA has a small daily reading book called For Today, it is a useful tool and full of wisdom!

The June 10 reading spoke directly to me, because of all my character defects, impatience rules supreme!

My favorite line from this reading was “And I breathe a silent prayer: slow me down, God.”

I am not overly impatient with other people, I mean I want things done when I want them done (obviously! ha!), but I have been completely impatient with myself…in my best Veruca Salt voice ” I WANT IT NOW!”

I had always trusted my “gut” and been courageous enough to take the leaps of faith, and every leap seemed to be the right decision at the time, I had never regretted my choices.  I still do not regret my choices, because I believe each one brought me here to this place and time, I am always exactly where I am supposed to be.

I don’t ever think about the “what if’s” or the “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s”, but what I do think about is how impatience often played a major role in my decisions, I was so busy trusting my “gut” that I forgot to slow down and realize ever decision and choice does not have to be decided on NOW!  Maybe just maybe, I needed to be quiet and reflective, perhaps I would have heard something other than my loud and rumbling “gut”, after all it also frequently rumbled (LOUDLY) for things it didn’t need; like ice cream, chocolate chip cookies and M&M’s…none of that shit turned out to be good for me at all!

I want to slow down, be quieter, and listen more.

I pray God will protect and guide me down the path that has been chosen for me.

This is all I can do, I am not in control anymore…was I ever?

for today 6/10

routine and restaurants

I have come to realize how important it is to me to eat at the same time every day, cook my own meals, keep the kitchen stocked with my abstinent foods, and limit eating out at restaurants.

Restaurant meals continue to be a pain in the ass for me, I do not always make the healthiest choices and the caloric intake is always a guessing game. I am abstinent, but eating out is highly stressful for me, everything from ordering wisely to the guilt I have afterwards about the higher calories I know I consumed.

I truly enjoy dining out with my husband and my family and friends, I love the break from cooking, and I want to live a “normal” life out in the world socializing…that being said, it makes achieving my healthy weight goal more challenging!

I will give this to my HP, and continue on, one day at a time.

one year stats

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1 year of abstinence, and counting!

4 steps (out of 12) completed.

I attend meetings and work with a sponsor.

Every day I pray and write in a gratitude journal.

My food plan is no sugar and 3 meals per day (no snacks).  I also log everything I eat in My Fitness Pal every day, and I try to stay under 2000 calories, a great day is closer to 1500.

I have given away 80 pounds.

accepting reality

I have had moments of being very angry and utterly disappointed that I have robbed myself of ever seeing the physical “fruits of my labor”.

No matter how much I weigh or how much I exercise, I will always carry the damage and scars of what I have done to my body.  My body at its healthy body weight will still have stretch marks and excess skin.  My body at its strongest will not be firm, toned, and sculpted.

Although I have no issue with aging, I whole-heartedly prefer it to the alternative of death, but at my age weight-loss will not make me look younger…no fat to fill in the wrinkles!

So, I will never be thin, fit and young at the same time in this lifetime…perhaps the next time around I will look like Jennifer Lopez and have the soul of Mother Teresa.

My reality to accept is to not worry about the vanity…I joined for the vanity and stayed for the sanity ūüôā

Instead I will focus on being healthy and strong, working my program, and surrendering my control to my higher power…it is always about the progress not the perfection!